Christmas Eve, Eve 2016

motherhood

I miscarried 3 months prior to writing this. I remember feeling like I should have been over it at this point, and failed to be honest with those around me about how much I was struggling.

The holidays have a way of making everything beautiful look even more beautiful, and everything tragic feel even more tragic.


12.23.16

My heart aches today. Not as much as yesterday, but a little more than the day before.

That’s the thing about grief, you never know where or when it will find you. Grief doesn’t mind if you have things to cross off your to do list, events to attend, or if you have to make good on promises to show up. It undoubtedly reappears from thin air, leaving your insides twisted and your eyes welling, when moments ago the world felt still.

It’s avoiding places with too much happiness because it’s draining to pretend.

It’s long quiet drives.

It’s waking up each day feeling that you’re forgetting to do something.

it’s sitting in your car in parking lots, alone in tears because you don’t want anyone to see you this way.

My heart aches today. I hope it will ache less tomorrow.

27

motherhood, Uncategorized

Today is a birthday different from any other I’ve had before. 1 month ago today we found out I was pregnant. 1 week ago today I had a miscarriage.

Each year, I have planned dinners, cocktails, small get togethers… To celebrate the past 12 months and welcome in the next. I would use the day as a reason to get all of our friends together…I would buy a new dress. Eat a fancy dessert. Use the day as an excuse to be totally selfish.

I’ve been told that once you become a mother, it’s never all about you again. Your child will come first forever, and you’ll make sacrifices, and it won’t be comfortable at first, but you won’t trade it for anything tangible or not in the world. I won’t have a baby in my arms come May, but I can tell you I will be forever changed because of the 3 short weeks I grasped that I would become a mother.

When we found out, Corey wanted to share the news with everyone we knew. I didn’t think I could love him any deeper than I already did, but seeing the pride he had for our growing family made my heart explode. I knew it was hard for him to hold back the news. “If something happens though…” I would say. The thing is, “something” did happen, and I find myself wishing I would have told everyone with whom I crossed paths. What a gift we had been given. I celebrate the blessing of being able to become pregnant, and I mourn the loss at the same time.

This day isn’t the day I pictured, and I can’t help feeling like I’m missing someone as my 27th year begins, but I’m so thankful for God’s faithfulness and I pray that He works through me to connect with other women who have experienced this, and to talk about it…because sometimes the most comforting thing someone can say to you in a hard time is “me too.”

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18